The real horror of Halloween: rotten teeth, sugar rushes, and other frightful facts by Mary Long

Halloween, the one night where rotting teeth, a gut full of regret, and ghost-shaped candies reign supreme! Forget monsters and haunted houses; the scariest part is the dental bill on November 1st. It’s a holiday where we put “stranger danger” on hold for free candy and transform our homes into horror shows just to make kids scream (in joy, we hope). But amidst all this spookiness lies a hidden terror, the sweet, sticky, and cavity-causing aftermath.

The average kid consumes about 7,000 calories on Halloween night, which is roughly the amount needed to fuel a minor stampede. If candy could write Yelp reviews, dentists would have five stars for "keeping business booming since the Stone Age."

Joke 1: "Halloween is that time of year when 'Candy Corn' tries to rebrand itself as ‘edible.’ Still not buying it, Candy Corn."
Joke 2: "Why did the vampire go to the dentist? To improve his bite-ability."

And don’t get me started on that one house that hands out apples. I’ve seen kids negotiate a candy-for-apple exchange program like it’s a Wall Street deal. The look on their faces says it all—“Mom, I want sugar, not potential scurvy prevention!”

Here’s the real scare... teeth. Rotten, sugar-coated, and bracing for cavities. Dentists nationwide prepare their drills for the post-Halloween apocalypse like it’s their Super Bowl. They see the 31st as the “pre-season,” and the 1st as “game time.” And we—those foolish enough to eat 12 fun-sized Snickers—are the losing team.

Joke 3: "My dentist told me I needed a crown. I was like, 'Finally, someone who understands that I’m royalty!'"
Joke 4: "Candy is nature’s way of reminding you that nothing fun is ever good for you."

Kids head out in search of the sugary gold mine and adults scramble to avoid becoming the “loser house” giving away toothpaste. It’s a delicate balance between being the cool house and avoiding a mob of angry, sugar-deprived trick-or-treaters.

Halloween is the only day you can dress as anything without judgment. Your coworker dressed as a hotdog? Completely fine. A toddler in a poorly-made Spiderman suit? Absolutely adorable. But be warned, if your costume involves face paint, glitter, or a wig—prepare for the next month of your life to be an eternal clean-up operation.

Joke 5: "I once went to a party dressed as a ghost. Turns out, I was just a socially awkward person covered in a bed sheet."
Joke 6: "Kids today will never know the true struggle of a 1980s plastic mask—one that doubled as a personal sauna and a way to lose a few pounds of water weight."

We all have that one friend who overcommits to their costume—showing up to the party in full Batman gear, abs included, just to tell you they’re on a diet.

Kids strategize their trick-or-treat route like military generals planning an invasion. They map out every house that’s giving away full-size candy bars and avoid that one neighbor who gives raisins like they’re cursed artifacts. Kids can’t do algebra, but somehow their candy-counting abilities rival an IRS auditor.

Joke 7: "I remember going as a pirate and telling my neighbor ‘Trick or treat!’ He gave me a look and said, ‘Arr, I pay my taxes, that’s enough of a trick, kid.’"
Joke 8: "Kids have two categories for Halloween treats: 'good candy' and 'will trade for good candy.'"

Parents follow with flashlights, desperately hoping their kids will remember to say thank you. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

When the sugar rush ends and reality sets in, Halloween’s aftermath is like waking up from a bad dream. There’s fake blood everywhere, the living room looks like a crime scene, and you’re left wondering why there’s a tiny Elsa in your bathtub.

Joke 9: "Cleaning up after Halloween is like tidying up after a haunted frat party—if glitter and fake cobwebs had a love child, it would be the aftermath of Halloween."
Joke 10: "My kid’s candy stash is like Schrödinger's candy bowl—full and empty at the same time."

And let’s not forget the stomachaches. “Why did I eat 12 Milky Ways?” you ask yourself, regretting the decision almost as much as your third marriage. It’s a time of introspection and Alka-Seltzer.

Halloween is a holiday of contradictions: we tell kids not to talk to strangers, then send them door-to-door demanding candy. We insist on brushing teeth, but celebrate by consuming our weight in sugar. It’s a night where the lines between fear and fun blur, and where adults dress up and try to scare kids… by acting like we’re not slowly going broke from student loans.

Joke 11: "The real Halloween horror? Your bank account after buying all those full-sized candy bars to be the cool house."
Joke 12: "As an adult, Halloween is the one night you can eat candy and justify it by saying it’s for the ‘spirit of the season.’"

So, as you gear up for another Halloween filled with candy, questionable costumes, and late-night sugar highs, remember this: cavities heal, memories fade, but the photos of your Dad dressed as an inflatable T-Rex? Those live on forever.