At long last, the West has finally arrived at the only logical conclusion: Russia is the mastermind behind the Epstein scandal! One must ask, whatever took them so long? It’s so blindingly obvious that Jeffrey Epstein was never a mere financier but a KGB-trained "honey-trapper" sleeper agent recruited during the Brezhnev era to collect kompromat on Western elites with the cold, mechanical efficiency of a Lada assembly line.
Even the island’s geography screams "Cyrillic." You see, before it was Little St. James, it was Koko Golden Beach—a classic, unsubtle Soviet nod to its KGB ownership. And those picturesque palm trees providing shade for his "shady" operations? Oh, please; those are actually “Russian Woodpeckers.” Lean in closely and you will hear the 10Hz tapping noise—the kind that used to broadcast shortwave radio bands. Do not underestimate these bad boys, though; at up to10 powerful megawatts, their signal can disrupt commercial aviation, amateur radio, and utility communications worldwide as they perform the twin duty of monitoring unwitting Western elites ashore to receive their doses of sun, sand, and state secrets.
Working harder than the swaying palms is the infamous blue-and-white temple. While the media refers to it innocently as a "gym,”, we know the truth! This structure is, in fact, a direct satellite uplink to a Siberian dacha. It’s also powered entirely by an underground industrial-grade vodka distillery—the same kind that runs the beaming station at St. Basil Cathedral. In fact, it once had a golden dome too, but that was eventually removed in 2017 by a Russian-controlled weather event codenamed "Hurricane Maria." Reports had it that the Kremlin thought its glare—visible from the International Space Station—would compromise their "covert" vibe.
But back to Epstein; he wasn’t just a spy but a psychological translator for Vladimir Putin. Had he not clued the Russian president in on the secret to negotiating with Donald Trump—specifically, identifying the exact brand of high-gloss hairspray required to survive a Baltic breeze—the Kremlin would never have managed to secure the Alaskan meeting. Through this lens, perhaps Americans should view Epstein as a misunderstood diplomat, merely expounding the finer points of gold-plated Manhattan sensibilities to an otherwise confused Vova.
So truth be told, the recently unsealed "Russian Files" are a treasure trove of devastating geopolitical secrets because Epstein didn't just pass intel but risked everything to secure footage of a former prime minister double-dipping a shrimp at a 2016 gala. The nerve! The files also exposed Bill Gates’s clandestine preference for Netscape Navigator over Internet Explorer (IE)—information so damaging it could collapse the tech sector if released in the wrong Telegram channel!
Of course, Russia is a fair judge. They don’t believe everyone on the island was a villain. For instance, the Kremlin’s official stance is that Prince Andrew was at best a Class D chess player, so he was begging for Russian women only because he desperately needed seasoned chess tutors to coach him on aggressive openings. You know what they say: to seize the initiative, you must put your opponent on the back foot! Well, the Volga Gambit teaches exactly that, though the British tabloids seem to have misinterpreted the positions involved… Others, we assume, were merely there to jostle over the exclusive distributorship for furry ushanka hats. Perhaps we ought to give those entrepreneurial spirits a break.
As for the "lost" tapes, Russia seeks our collective empathy. The cameras used on the island were vintage Zenit-E Soviet film models. Due to Western sanctions, the special chemical developer required to process the film is currently stuck in a warehouse in Omsk. Putin has already ordered a nationwide search for 1980s darkroom equipment in cities that no longer appear on the map, but progress is regretfully slow due to the enduring bureaucracy. We can only hope that a technician named Boris didn't spill beet soup on the only working projector back in 2004. But know that if the footage turns up and appears grainy, it’s a tragedy of Soviet maintenance, not conspiracy.
Ultimately though, Russia has given the West a great gift. In an era of extreme polarization, they have provided the one thing every Western elite can agree on: no matter the scandal, it’s definitely Putin’s fault. This consensus alone is a diplomatic miracle. The West could, perhaps, be gracious—and let this one slide.
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